Sometimes, believing in yourself is the hardest part….!!!

I have come to realise there is only one person standing in the way between me and  and my weight loss is ME, yep little old me, I have choices and I have a choice to say no, but to please others I say yes to things I know I shouldn’t, (food related I am meaning) I know coke/pepsi, makes my stomach bloat, makes me super thirsty, yet I will still drink it! I know white bread, does the same, bloats me makes me feel tired and sluggish yet I will still eat it (albeit rarely!!) I know that when I cut chocolate out (milk choc that is) I don’t need the sugar hit I normally do,  I actually start to like the taste of dark chocolate too! When I know these things, why then do I carry on abusing my body in this way?

This is my pledge, that by September I will have lost at least 1 and half stone. I believe I weigh about 14 stone 10 currently, but I’m not going to  weigh myself I’m going to go on the way I feel, the way my clothes fit and the way my body starts to show. I have  a LOT of cellulite and I know for a fact that when I drink water, cut out sugar, real and sweetner, and I eat more fruit and veg, it reduces immensly!!

I now need to combine the exercise I did before with this primal eating, and I bet by september I shall be half the person I am quite literally. And now I even have something to aim for, actually I have more than one. My Big sister has announced she’s getting married on Oct 24 this year, My hubby’s nephew is getting married august I think and my Big little sister (she’s 5ft 10 and I’m only 5ft 6!!) says she may even make me a dress over the summer!!!! I’ll need to buy the material, and I don’t want to pay for more than what a size 14 person would, as I don’t want any extra material than that, you know what I’m saying?!! 

I just really need to keep on track now!! Any ideas from anybody out there for keeping me on track very much apprecialted!!!!

Anyway that’s all for now, I’ve had a few difficult weeks with my son going through a “I wanna be a teenager at 5″ stage and aquiring selective deafness already, (funny how they always here sweeties or food there’s a tip for you ) Also my lovely little boy going through some health problems, so I shall update if and when I can. Thanks for reading and as always, post a comment if you want.

 Thanks 

xx

Well well well….takes a very deep breath!!

I don’t know where to start, I finally think I’m over, or I can cope with losing my wonderful Nana, when all of a sudden out of the blue comes more memories, ones I had forgotten, ones that were locked up tight in my super special memory safe..they are tumbling out so much more now and I can’t seem to stop them, yet I’m holding on to my emotions by the worn and very crumbling nails, I didn’t think they could last much longer, today they snapped, not just a little, but right off, my sister who came home for 5 weeks I haven’t seen because I was ill, my little boy was ill, then she was ill, then my hubby was ill. I saw her about 2/3 times and that is all, and most of that was for about 10mins!!!!! so gutted, and she is going back early tomorrow morning. I want to cry and wail and bawl and throw a tantrum, IT’S NOT FAIR!!!! lol, then my mum has told me that my grandad (the one having chemo) is now having to have a blood transfusion as his blood count is low. Worried Sick I am, I’m not strong enough to cope with any other majors, not yet!!!

I know I guess I’m being selfish, I should be concentrating on the positive, but sometimes it’s just not that easy is it? I put on a front (years of practice!) but once I’m inside my little home, once I allow my mind to relax, or think about the “situation” it seems to mock me, showing me what’s happened what might happen, and my mind seems to enjoy my discomfort so much, I hate the demons in my head, the ones  I thought I had got rid of forever, guess that will never happen, I guess I will just have to deal with the fact I can only squish them and quieten them!!

I COULDN’T FIND THE MIND DEMON IMAGE TO PUT HER SO I LEFT IT BLANK. LIKE MY MIND CURRENTLY!!

 

So today I fell off the wagon and ate an easter egg, ughh, didn’t even enjoy it, I had Dr Pepper and didn’t enjoy that either! I ate an apple, ahh that’s better! (I’m the weird child now, lol, well more than usual!!)

But you know what’s weird, I’m sure my waist is getting smaller, I’m sure my muffin top is dissappearing, yet I weigh more, now I’m guessing this is muscle? Either that or I’m getting fat, and now I’m in denial..ARGHHH!! well that’s all for today, I’m going to go and play on sims3 and like a child take my mind off all this and see if I can calm my scrambling twirling tornado or a mind, and I wouldn’t mind my nails returning either!! Good night all take care. 

Thanks for reading. Please comment if you have something to say, if not don’t. Thanks again for listening to my ramblings! xx

HAPPY EASTER TO ALL!!!

Well here we are again, you know I remeber a time when I was little when I didn’t eat ester eggs, because they set off my eczema, so my dad would have them, it’s only as I got older I started to get a little bothered, not that we really had easter eggs my Nana, used to bring us some, when we were teens, Mum and Dad started to buy us some too!! Anyway the reason I’m saying this is because, I have had a little bit of an easter egg, and a little bit of choccie today, but you know what, I didn’t need to have a WHOLE one to myself, I didn’t  NEED to open the box and find the chocolate buttons, no, I wasn’t too bothered at all, my son has got 7 easter eggs, 7!!!! And you know what he gave one to his Dad without a second thought, I under estimated my beautiful boy, I really did!! Then he turned to me and said, would you like one mama? I have another one like Dada’s?

 

 

And I didn’t even have a hard time saying NO thanks, but that was such a lovely gesture, see, this is what makes the world go round, little acts of kindness. I’m so full of Mama pride right now! I rewarded him by making his lego truck he’s been asking me to do for a while and putting some face paint on him, he wanted to be a vampire, picture this a vampire eating easter eggs..tell me about it, it was hilarious!!!!  So my point of this post really was, Im not at all bothered by chocolate as I once was, I had some, I dealt with it,I  ain’t gonna beat myself up about it, I enjoyed my chicken with the skin on and lettuce more!!!! I know, I’m crazy!!

Well this was another short post, but I’m currently got into the swing of selling stuff, I’ve put my baby stuff up for sale, and now it’s the books turn, with a kindle, we can buy most books for that I guess, no it’s not the same, and yes I will miss the feel of the books, but space is a must in our small bungalow, so either the hubby goes or the books do, I need an occasional massage, and the books can’t give me that

Thanks for reading!!

 

 

Oh Dear!!

A slight slip up today, but it’s ok nothing I can’t fix. I did have a good primal tea, and I’ve drank a lot of water so hopefully it’s cancelled it out …a little!! I have been sorting out baby clothes from yesterday afternoon, then from this morning until now, I have finally finished putting the pictures on my computer, into separate folders and naming them, oh my gosh, not a task I would recommend. If I didn’t need the cash I wouldn’t bother!! I just want to see them gone now. I had a little tug on the heart strings yesterday, but am ok today, now I just want them all GONE!! Well that is all for today. I know it’s short and sweet, but I’m currently uploading the pics onto a selling site (not eBay) one folder at a time!! apparently this first one is only 27/34 so far….only 4 more folders to go!! Nite nite all. xxx oh and HAPPY EASTER for tomorrow. xx

Oh My Gosh!!!!

In 3 days I have lost 3lbs!! Normally it takes me a week (if I’m lucky) to lose just one! I am So chuffed right now, I was super hungry today and then I realised I hadn’t had much carbs (if any) and I should of being aiming for at least 50-100g to lose weight, ( more for rapid, but I don’t want super speed, otherwise saggy skin ) so I had one piece of toast with my tea, that seems to have settled my tummy a little bit. I did crave chocolate today, but even though I have a malteser bunny that someone gave me, I’m keeping it for Easter (that’s my egg ) I didn’t want to eat it, then I was hunting through the fridge, when I spied it, some Green & Blacks 70% dark choc, I broke a bit off, and Oh my gosh, I have never tasted anything so good, now if you had asked me a couple of months ago if I like dark chocolate, I would say only if there is no other chocolate, and now I’m enjoying it!! WHAT??!!!

 

Anyway so far so good, is this day  3/4? however I thought if I carry on losing a 1lb a day on average, that means by the end of 21 days I would of lost 21lbs, that’s nearly getting to my 2 stone!! Watch this space!! I’m so nervous, I’ve been this big for so long I’m kinda scared to be thin, does that make sense? Probably make sense to girls/women more I guess! Don’t get me wrong it’s not like I don’t WANT to be slim and sexy and full of life and energy again (it doesn’t seem that far now!) It’s just I’m scared, no terrified!!! 

 from this to this..

 

 I sure hope so. I used to look similar to this, you never know what you have until it’s gone I tell you!! Wish me luck!!

 

3rd Day and still going strong!!

Well today is the 3rd day of living primal, it’s great, I feel fantastic, maybe I’m jumping the gun but I sure hope not, my aches and pains aren’t half as bad, I’m so ALIVE it’s amazing, if I get to fee like this everyday just because I don’t eat bread and sugary stuff, then I dont care, this is so great, I’m not weighing myself until friday morn, (maybe I’ll wait until sunday) but I know I haven’t lost a LOT of weight this time, maybe it’s because I’ve just been concentrating on eating meat and exercising and dealing with family stuff, that I kinda forgot to include the amount of salad I did before, I have had some salad but I could of done a lot better.

I was proud of myself today, it was a real test, I went out for a meal to celebrate something and I ordered the mixed grill (thought I would be safe with that at least) but instead of chips and peas I had salad. Well done me, even if I say so myself, now there was a time not so long ago that I would of had the chips just because we were out. I didn’t know what to drink as the tea in this place is awful (have tried it  before) they don’t have herbal and so I went with the hot choc, the next drink I had was a diet coke ( I know, I felt really annoyed) but then it dawned on me after, I could of just had water with a slice of lemon, doh! Oh well baby steps, we got free dessert with our meals, so hubby ordered me fudge cake, I had a few bites and a small spoonful of ice cream, (it was FREE!! I know, wanted to headbutt myself!!) but apart from that my day being good!! I’ve drank lots of water today so I’m hoping that I didn’t do too much damage, but it’s a learning curve and I’m sure as hell taking a steep one!! But I’ll tell you this, it’s an eye opener, and If I feel this good at the end of these 21 days well, let’s just say Jessica Alba, watch out, I may be your competition!!! So now I’m getting excited about my sister’s wedding, and know that if I can keep to this, and if it keeps working then I’ll be able to be a size or two down (maybe more?!!) and I shall be able to wear a beautiful autumn dress,…watch this space, If I find what I’m looking for I’ll post a pic of the dress I’m thinking of wearing and maybe, a pic of me currently!! (scary!!)

Thanks as always for reading. Sorry no pics today!

Primal – Day one

I know , I know …I said I would start last night but I succumbed to the lure of my very first easter egg, I blame the husband, but to be fair, I went to the shop and I fought with myself, I could have won, I could have come home and just got him one and shared one with him (he’s good like that!) but I didn’t and yes I kind of sorry I did it, but another part of me just feels satisfied, satisfied, that it didn’t taste amazing, it was “just chocolate” I know never in a million years would I though I would say THAT about an easter egg, mind you, it was a caramel one not a buttons one, perhaps it’s just as well. I decided yesterday was my farewell day to coke/Pepsi max and chocolate for the next 21 days at least, then I shall see how I’ve coped and if I have done well, I shall be living like this for the rest of my life (nearly), I’m not as daft to realise that there will be times, moments even where I will have no option but to eat at a fast food restaurant or will want so BADLY to have chocolate, the only exception I’m giving myself is the occasional hot chocolate, i’m sorry that just CAN NOT go!! But you never know maybe I shall change my mind.

This morning I woke to my wonderful son, waking me up every 5 minutes, despite having giving him breakfast and saying he could play in his room…grrr I hate it when he’s in one of “them” moods! Anyway I gave in, got up and made a little pot of carrot, apples and grapes, and sausage! I had 2 sausages for breakfast and a lovely egg, have you ever tried dipping sausage in the egg yolk? Oh my!! Tastes sooo sooo good! YUMMMY, I would have put a pic but it was gone that quick didn’t think until after ;P sorry

This is where we headed to, it's called Rhuddlan Castle

I had some carrots (raw) and some grapes too, and I was ok, had some water and not long after that we went for a walk I don’t know how long it was but it took about 2 hours (there and back) mind you that was dragging a 5 year old and a hubby along haha, anyway this place we walked to has an indian restaurant   and another restaurant  both that have the kind of dress code that will not allow jeans, hoodies and trainers, so I doubt that they would let 3 sodden walkers with backpacks  on to eat in their restaurant, the only other choice was KFC, and believe me  I really really didn’t want to go there, I could of took my dinner I guess, but to help me carry less weight I didn’t so yes you guessed it I had KFC and to be honest, I should of just had a wrap or just some chicken, but hubby went for burger, so I did too, and yes I felt slightly guilty but there you go, sometimes life can be a pain in the backside!

mine was kind of like this but just one egg, and the sausage dipped in the egg. YUIMMMY!!!

I am happy however that as much as I REALLY wanted an avalanche (is that what they call those lovely ice cream?) I didn’t and I’m super proud of myself, I did have a hot choc to drink there but the rest of the day I have drank water, and now I have a hot vimto. Not bad for my first day if I say so myself! Hubby and 5 year old are going to have potato cakes for tea, so that means I can make something that I like for myself, I may treat myself to an omelette if my back has calmed down, (teach me for eating kfc burger, bread and egg don’t mix for me..I know I’m weird!) but I may eat some steak and salad, actually that is seeming more appetising now haha!!

So my verdict for day one so far? – Not bad, not bad at all for a fast food and chocoholic!!

Battle of the spare tire!

Well I don’t know whether I mentioned a primal diet I found, now I tried it for a week and lost 5lbs, then I kinda stuck on it the second week (but there was lots going on, and I’m guilty for giving in to the chocs on mother’s day and then kinda not stopping with the junk :/) but still I lost weight, albeit only 2lbs or so, but to me that is AMAZING, I have an underactive thyroid, I have tried and failed to lose weight on many other diets, there was only one other I tried and that was Sliming World, I lost about 3stone all together on that, but still the weight will not shift, and If I lose weight I lose 1lb – 2lb and then it stops, this time I lost 5lb in my first week, this is what “normal” people normally have happen to them. 

I just want you all to know this, I have been eating low fat, I grill stuff or fry dried, I don’t add butter, I don’t add any fancy cream, everything is low fat, I only have 2-4 pieces a bread in the day I don’t gorge on packets and packets of biscuits and chocolates, (though I probbaly could if I REALLY tried!) I exercise, I do Just dance, I walk, and I run, yet still I’m unable to lose weight. I tried a low carb diet before but as soon as a carb hit my mouth, WOW I saw my butt come back with a vengeance, but this, THIS is something new, something that appeals to me, I get to eat meat (sorry to all the veggies out there!) I get to eat sausages (full fat ones too!!) I get to eat bacon and fry ups each morning and I can use butter and oil in the pan, I did this the first week, though it was super scary, after being overweight and being drummed into my head that I should only eat low fat, and those kind of fat things was soooo BAAAAD, I was scared, but then I thought to myself, what have I got to lose? the weight isn’t coming off, I’m just putting it on, so I’ll try it and see, I felt better in my mind, and the difference in my body was immediete, I could also eat eggs for the first time with no back pain because I didn’t have the carb and sugar that I am so used to! But I lost 5lbs in the first week eating yummy food, eating things made with butter and oil!!! So now I’m deciding to start for good, I would say from today but I guess I will have to say from tea time as I had nothing but bread and ham in for lunch and I had toast for brekkie, but I’m all primaled up, Been shopping, in fact I’m craving tuna right now, but am trying to reisist..why?…erm I don’t exactly know!! Maybe I should get a bowl of it when I have finished this haha!

 

So here is to the new me, I shall post pictures up when I feel brave enough (an NO that is not right now!!) I am hoping I will be able to do this and my body will like being returned to normal, it’s so amazing this diet, I can’t believe I never came across it before, but then again, perhaps I wasn’t ready then for the commitment and to let go of the safety net of sugar that keeps me so “sane”, and maybe I was too scared to think that cooking with oil and fat, would indeed help me lose weight, I’m still struggling with the prospect, but I’m buying the full fat anyway in the hope this thin woman will finally return as healthy as she once was, and that exercise and playing with my child will be rewarding as I always imagined instead of a daily battle and struggle. Wish me luck. If you have done this “way of life” or are still doing it and you have these problems that I have, pleas post any tips you have to stay on track. I think organisation is the key to keep on track, so I’m putting veg in little Tupperware pots, to make it easier for my lazy self to stay on track

Thank you for reading.

Happy Mother’s Day

Well I’m still feeling sick in the morning, if I didn’t know any better, you would have thought I was pregnant (I’m not honestly!) I’m still on about 6 tablets a day (yuk!) and my infection is no better, I’m spending that much time attached to my hot water bottle, I’m suprised my hubby isn’t jealous of it!! 

I have a little teddy called blue, when I was younger and this Endo lark first started ny hubby got hin to cheer me up, he has HAPPY BEAR written on his top, and it always cheers me up, my son has most of my teddies now, but the other day I was feeling particullary down when, my hubby comes into the sitting room, with a cheeky grin, and wiggles the teddy (like you would to a baby from side to side, I told you I was a big gkid!) and he made the teddy give e lots of hugs and kissess, well it cheered me up. I’ve had a nice sleep cuddling up to him (the bear not hubby lol) and last night I tried to sleep in my own bed instead of sofa, that was a waste, my neck hurt, I felt sick, I was itchy, lost count of loo stops :/ ughh Do I hate being ill or WHAT?!

Well today is Mother’s day and my son (actually hubby!!) bought me the new Sims3 game, called Showtime, but it was the special edition one with Katy Perry, it has a poster (which is v. nice actually) and two guitar picks (I know I don’t play, and your point?) I am such a lucky lucky girl! He gave me a card he had done in school (will scan later if can, or remember!) and also one he bought me, the one he had bought me, he coloured the picture in for me all by himself, he did a pretty good job too, there was a lot of colouring to be done, and you know boys and colouring!! (or is that just mine?)

Well yesterday my hubby took my Son to the Cinema (I didn’t go as I’m still not well, and ride in a car =agonising pain!) to watch TinTin, afterwards he went and picked up a new printer (just like this one) .for me, as my old one’s power box thing went, and a new one cost £30.00 which we could get a printer for, and we couldn’t find any old ones compatible on ebay, so here we have a lovely new printer, it’s wireless too, if your wondering whether it worth it, here’s my answer HELL YEAH!  I can print from my phone, you kinda email it, it’s like a modern way of faxing!! So cool! We scanned some pics that my son had done and put them on this comp (I’ll upload them in a min!) so now I have his picture as a background, you should of seen his smile when he saw THAT!!

It’s great qualityprinter and it’s HP like the old one, it’s not as fancy looking and it doesn’t have a card reader, but that doesn’t really matter. Oh did I mention it is WIRELESS too? ARGHHH sooooo cooool!!! *ahem*

Well now I’ve come to the end of my essay worthy post I shall put some pics up!!

 

 

 

A day in the life of Abi

Well today, I thought might be a better day as yesterday I felt a bit better, the pain was a bit easier and I didn’t need as much strong tablets, however, the sickness crept up on me at night and I was wide awake at 3.10am until about 6.30 , I was so wide awake I managed to do like 4 crosswords, spot the difference and wordsearches, normally I find these a struggle but I whizzed through them like a woman possessed lol!!

 

This is what it felt like when doing my crossword!!

So here goes my battle once again, I feel sick and dizzy on these tablets, and nodding off with no warning, yesterday my hubby was sitting playing on the computer and I was sat on the sofa, the next minute he was holding a plate of food in front of me, I had been sleeping!!!

I’m sorry if you find this boring, but this is the way I find to cope with my Endo, I write how I feel down, find some humour and hopefully it will help in the future.

I don’t know whether I said in my other post that I prob only got two options left, but I think my hubby may want another child

This is my fear!

 

before I have the surgery (if that what I would go for) but I don’t want any more, I don’t think I can go through the stress and the strain, and the baby days again, I really really dont want post natal depression (which is likely and a higher chance) again, I want to enjoy my family and be happy, I am terrified I wouldn’t cope with another one, it’s bad enough coping with work, housework, washing and cooking, my house is not the neatest, it’s cluttered but clean (mostly!!) but could I imagine a baby in that mix, in this bungalow too? nope! But I guess we will come to that bridge when we come to it!!

But still I don’t know if I could..!!!

So much to think about!