Well that time has come again for me to realise that my little boy is not so little anymore, I can’t just say sit with me and have cuddles and be content to have a cuppa and watch real rescue’s, he can only last 15mins before the jumping wrigling etc starts (that’s if he even lasts that long!) and he’s off, running and jumping shouting, oh well, I remember when he used to sit with me and fall asleep and I would kiss his nose, now if I get a couple of kisses a day I count myself lucky.
I don’t see why I’m suprised people have warned me that he will grow up fast that once he starts school it flies, especially if your working, that I’ll miss the time I used to have him when he was little, and I guess they are right, I DO miss him, and sometimes I think why can’t he be home with me all the time, but I know he needs to grow and learn some independence and I have to let go, I just wish I knew how much it hurt deep inside me, I NEVER expected that no one tells you that, I guess I wouldn’t either it’s very personal, it’s a strange feeling like you have been handed an amazing gift but you are not allowed to touch it, you can only look at it, forever and ever, but if you touch it it will dissapear, tha’ts how I’m feeling at the moment, I’m feeling like my baby is in reach but when I reach out to him, he goes further away!
Tomorrow he has his “transition day” (doesn’t that sound strange?), that means he goes to school ALL day, from 8.55 to 3.15, at the moment he’s only going in the afternoon from 1.00pm – 3.15pm!! not only that but he’s had a trip today that’s also been ALL day, so I’m not sure what to expect, I gave him a shower, lots of attention kissess and two stories at bedtime plus some poems (they are in the bedtime book), so hopefully he will have a restful sleep, but it doesn’t stop me worrying, he’s going to be in his new class (where he goes in September), but I really just want to hold him tight.
Maybe it wouldn’t be as hard if I knew that I may have another child one day, but I know in my heart of hearts that despite wanting another child deep down, we could never afford it for a start, but I don’t think I could cope, and maybe my depression would set in again, maybe not, but I for one am not wanting to risk it, I want my lovely son to have his mummy in one piece, for his mummy to be able to take him to the park and take him different places, not become a recluse again and I don’t want him to see me like that, so sometimes in life we have to make personal sacrifices and I’ve made a few, but this one is the hardest of all, because all I ever wanted to be was a mummy, and I got that, so I’m not going to be greedy and ask for another miracle, because I love the little miracle that’s sleeping in his bed tonight ready for another BIG BIG day in school.