Well well well….takes a very deep breath!!

I don’t know where to start, I finally think I’m over, or I can cope with losing my wonderful Nana, when all of a sudden out of the blue comes more memories, ones I had forgotten, ones that were locked up tight in my super special memory safe..they are tumbling out so much more now and I can’t seem to stop them, yet I’m holding on to my emotions by the worn and very crumbling nails, I didn’t think they could last much longer, today they snapped, not just a little, but right off, my sister who came home for 5 weeks I haven’t seen because I was ill, my little boy was ill, then she was ill, then my hubby was ill. I saw her about 2/3 times and that is all, and most of that was for about 10mins!!!!! 😦 so gutted, and she is going back early tomorrow morning. I want to cry and wail and bawl and throw a tantrum, IT’S NOT FAIR!!!! lol, then my mum has told me that my grandad (the one having chemo) is now having to have a blood transfusion as his blood count is low. Worried Sick I am, I’m not strong enough to cope with any other majors, not yet!!!

I know I guess I’m being selfish, I should be concentrating on the positive, but sometimes it’s just not that easy is it? I put on a front (years of practice!) but once I’m inside my little home, once I allow my mind to relax, or think about the “situation” it seems to mock me, showing me what’s happened what might happen, and my mind seems to enjoy my discomfort so much, I hate the demons in my head, the ones  I thought I had got rid of forever, guess that will never happen, I guess I will just have to deal with the fact I can only squish them and quieten them!!



So today I fell off the wagon and ate an easter egg, ughh, didn’t even enjoy it, I had Dr Pepper and didn’t enjoy that either! I ate an apple, ahh that’s better! (I’m the weird child now, lol, well more than usual!!)

But you know what’s weird, I’m sure my waist is getting smaller, I’m sure my muffin top is dissappearing, yet I weigh more, now I’m guessing this is muscle? Either that or I’m getting fat, and now I’m in denial..ARGHHH!! well that’s all for today, I’m going to go and play on sims3 and like a child take my mind off all this and see if I can calm my scrambling twirling tornado or a mind, and I wouldn’t mind my nails returning either!! Good night all take care. 

Thanks for reading. Please comment if you have something to say, if not don’t. Thanks again for listening to my ramblings! xx


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